I had been having practice contractions for weeks. But on May 4, it was different.
I slept through the earliest feelings and finally woke up a little before 7 AM to go to the bathroom. There was bloody show when I wiped. I cried. It was finally happening! My baby would finally be with me, earthside, soon.
I tried to go back to sleep, but the sensations were too uncomfortable at this point. They weren’t strong enough that I had to focus too much to get through them, so I decided to get ready for the day and stop by the bagel shop for breakfast. The sensations completely stopped around 11 AM. I let my husband and birth keeper know, and then took a nap, knowing there could be a lot of work ahead of me.
The sensations started again around 9 PM but didn’t become intense until around midnight. I had asked Ralph (my husband) to put on Dirty Dancing to try and get my mind off of things and get me through, but around midnight I barked at him to shut it off. Soon I called my birth keeper. I was at the start of being unable to speak through the waves. The sensations were low in my abdomen, similar to menstrual cramps, but sharper.
At some point while I was standing, holding onto the arm of the sofa, I banged on it out of frustration at Ralph. He was playing a game on his phone when I really wanted him to be present with me. We got into it. At some point he said “What do you want me to do? Stare at the air?“ Pretty much! I told him that he could go to bed and that’s what he did. At that point I felt incredibly sad and lonely, all the while focusing on resting and getting through the waves.
My birth keeper showed up around 3 AM thankfully. She let me know that spats like the one I just had with Ralph were not uncommon, which made me feel a little better.
I’m not sure what to call this part of labor. Maybe it was early labor? Or active? All I know was that it was kind of enjoyable. I imagined my cervix opening like the beautiful pink peonies that had been blossoming on my birth altar. All through the early morning hours, my birth keeper and I spoke about birth politics between waves. I think I thought my entire labor would be like this and that I would get to be completely civil and composed between each wave. Ha!
During this part of my labor, I sat on my couch with pillows behind me. I ritualistically timed the waves using an app. The action felt like it kept me tethered to some type of normal reality. I think I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to get through the waves without timing them. Eventually my birth keeper suggested that I stop. I found out I wouldn’t fall apart without the ritual and it was nice to not be scrambling for my phone every 5 to 7 minutes.
We got through the very early morning hours and eventually Ralph woke up. It felt so disruptive to hear him move around the apartment. It had been so calm, quiet, and peaceful until then.
The sequence of events gets a little fuzzy after this. My birth keeper and I moved into my bedroom for a change of space and energy. I started to labor while standing and swaying, which was much more intense and uncomfortable. We tried rebozo sifting which I remember feeling nice and relaxing. I tried hands and knees, which would strangely completely stop contractions. Sitting on the toilet was excruciating and would almost immediately bring on a wave. It suddenly felt like the toilet was way too low. Eventually I figured out that I could somewhat comfortably sit on the toilet if I placed my bottom in the opening and leaned all the way back.
I’ll always remember the first bath. My birth keeper and I spoke about what could be holding me back. I confessed that I knew what it was like to have my baby inside of my body, but I felt like I wasn’t ready to know her on the outside. I also admitted that I was scared of getting wild. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle the physical sensations that might come if I completely let myself go. There were tears. I then asked my birth keeper to send Ralph in. We talked and I don’t remember the details, but I was able to let go of the burden of our earlier disagreement. I needed him back on my side.
When I got out of the bath I decided to text my parents and my sisters that I was in labor. I had planned not to tell them, but I felt like I needed to do something to let my body know and let birth know that I was actually ready. It was around 1 PM.
At some point, I remember looking to my birth keeper, and telling her how hard I was working but it just didn’t seem like I was getting anywhere. I was in unknown territory. There were no vaginal checks to let me know of my “progress.“ I had no idea if I was in transition or active labor. My birth keeper was always reassuring me that I was doing great. I could never appreciate how simple words of encouragement could be so powerful to a laboring woman until I experienced it myself.
My birth keeper held such sweet space for me – offering drink, food, encouragement, and tons of space to do my thing. I’m forever grateful for that.
Then, I needed to poop. I was pretty positive that it was an actual bowel movement and not my babies head. So, I went to the bathroom. I was a little nervous that pushing during labor could adversely affect my cervix if I wasn’t fully dilated, but I figured a little pushing after 20 hours of laboring couldn’t hurt. So, I pushed. There was a pop and my waters shot out against the front of the toilet bowl, since I had been leaning all the way back.
I couldn’t believe it! And I knew that things were about to really pick up. My waters were clear except for some blood.
Ralph said that the water was ready. He had been boiling and reheating the pool water the entire day. I even encouraged him to forget about the pool, but I am so happy that he didn’t!
The water was perfect! I was in my birthing space, laboring in front of my birth altar. My birth playlist was on. Ralph set up a couple of phones to record video. About 20 minutes after entering the pool, my body started to push with the waves.
To my disbelief, I started to make pushing sounds. I could’ve sworn that I would be a quiet birther! Ha! But I didn’t have a choice. The sounds and the pushing were happening on their own. I labored on my knees until my leg started to go numb and then I laid on my side. It was so wonderful to finally be able to lay down! I rested completely between the waves.
At some point my birth keeper came over to me and whispered that women from Free Birth Society were at a gathering in California and had lit a candle for me. I was so overwhelmed knowing that this special group of women were together, praying for me during my birthing time.
I finally moved back to my knees because I hoped it might provide more space for the baby to move down. I placed my fingers inside myself and could feel something hard. I asked out loud if I was even dilated. And as I said it, I thought, “Why would my body start pushing if it wasn’t ready?” It really was kind of ridiculous. So I moved back into trusting my body.
I also felt what I thought might be a cord on top of her head. I was nervous for a second, until I remembered Yolande’s story, when she thought her baby had a prolapsed cord. I felt more carefully and realized that it was most likely her skin folded up. And even if it was a prolapsed cord, she was coming out right now regardless.
As she started to crown, I thought, “This isn’t bad at all. It just feels like stretching – not a ring of fire.” I was not prepared for what I felt next.
It felt like I was going to tear upwards toward my clitoris and I was terrified. I wasn’t even thinking about my perineum. Ralph was with me now, stroking my back, telling me that I was built for this. He held space for me at the moment that I needed it the most and I told him that I loved him as I pushed out our daughter’s head.
Her entire body came out in the next wave. I was overwhelmed when my husband told me it was a girl. He scooped her out of the water from behind me and quickly placed our baby girl in my arms. She was born at 9:36 PM on Cinco de Mayo. 😊
I couldn’t believe she was an actual baby! And she was absolutely beautiful. I was instantly in love!
About 45 minutes after the birth, we all moved to the bathroom so that I could birth the placenta. Kendall latched while I sat on the toilet. We decided to cut the cord because it felt too cumbersome for me to try and get the placenta out while Kendall was still attached.
I went into the bathtub. I tried coughing and pushing. Nothing. I just wanted to be done and be with my baby, who was with Ralph in the living room. I applied significant traction to the cord and had the urge to push as the placenta slid out. After, my birth keeper lovingly helped rinse the blood from my tired body.
Ralph, Kendall, am I all got into bed. Ralph clumsily fed me some homemade chicken, sweet potato, and spinach soup. After an attempt to put baby girl to sleep in our sidecarred crib, I placed her on my chest where she quickly quieted down and we all slept.
The Primal Dyad 